Thursday, April 9, 2009

Dryin' up. . .

It was one week ago tonight that I nursed Ava to sleep for the last time.  It was so sad.  I was so torn.  I knew it was time and I knew nursing was just comfort for her--the nutrition aspect was up about 6 months ago.  And she was nursing ALL the time.  Morning, mid-morning, nap time, wake-up from nap time, evening, and before bed. . .not to mention all the times in between when she would get hurt, was sad, or just plain bored and I was sitting on the couch.

At the same time that is what made it so sad for me.  I felt awful and selfish taking away her comfort.  And I did NOT want to face the fact that my baby is growing up.  I HATE IT.  I'll say it again, I HATE IT.   I hate my kids growing up.  I just happens way too fast.  (I am the kookoo mom who thinks that kids should starts school at around 8 and then just go half a day.  It just seemed like with the boys that they quit nursing--then it was big toddler time and boom, preschool, now Aiden is going to be EIGHT and getting baptised this fall.  I'm going to need some meds. . .

Anyway, last Thursday night was brutal.  You know that terrible, huge lump that develops in your throat and no amount of Diet Coke will dissolve it?  Yep--me--lump--lots of Diet Coke.  So when she fell asleep in my arms and she was not even "leisure nursing" anymore the floods started.  Q was nice and tried to be comforting but I think he was really biting the inside of his cheek trying not to laugh.  So I held her until one side of her head was covered in sweat from the nook of my arm and the other side was covered in her crazy mom's tears. Then off to bed for her and off to "second-guess-myself-land" for me.  

I also think a lot of the sadness was due to the thought of not having a baby again.  The whole "this is it" mentality.  You know, one phase of your life ending--pretty cliche' but non-the-less sad.  I realized Thursday night that, all together, I have nursed a baby of just a few months shy of SIX YEARS!  ( I so deserve a boob job--or as I like to call it, a "breast RESTORATION" not, "augmentation.")  

The next morning I nursed her one last time when she woke up.  But the morning routine is usually short and lacking the snuggle time--so much less traumatic for me.  Ava was off to tease the boys and I was busy packing for my "no more ta-ta weekend."  My friend, Robyn, and I went to Utah for and photography class and some shopping (more on that later).

So fast forward the weekend.  Ava did great for Q, by the way.  I got home Sunday afternoon with really sore huge boobies.  Ava was asleep and I searched the medicine cabinet for something to take that would be really bad for Ava if she nursed.  I thought this would help with the temptation--but alas, no toxins in the medicine cabinet.  This is where a fresh import from South America would have come in handy--ohh well, no laws broken either.  I was going to have to go on sheer will power--something I really suck at.  (pardon the pun)

Sunday night was sheer hell and torture.  She was so tired and crying A LOT.  She just kept pulling at my shirt and pointing at the couch.  Q put her down and I took at Tylenol PM and went to bed with a whopping dose of guilt.  Monday, is a day I would like to forget.  We both cried. . .a lot.  She was heartbroken and I felt like such a jerk.  I don't think I sat down at all until she went down for a nap--yet another round of torture.

Luckily it was a beautiful day so we spent most of it outside ("ouuuuusiiiiiii" in Ava speak) doing this. . .

This little peanut LOVES to swing.  And the higher, the better!!
And, yes, she totally loves her shades.  They may have been one of the many guilt gifts I picked up for her in Salt Lake. . .
And, no, I'm pretty sure she could not be any cuter. . .

We went cold turkey with Aiden, too.  I went to Seattle for 3 days with Q, leaving Ade with my mom.  I nearly got off the plane before it left Twin Falls--again, I was sooooo sad.  But another nurse I worked with got on just then and sat by me.  Whewww.  But when we got home, Ade was very sad and dramatic. . ."Ta Ta NOOOO GONE!!" As he threw his head back in anguish.  He pretty much ignored me the rest of that day with the exception of the occasional crusty from his dad's lap.  But the next morning. . . all better and we were friends again.  There was n mention of ta ta again.

Back to Ava--

So Monday night was aging pure H & T, again.  But I was determined to figure out a way for the two of us to have some quality bed time together.  The boys (especially Ash) loved to read before naps and night time.   I knew this would, for sure, be a part of our routine.  But I also wanted to incorporate some milk drinkage, too.  She does not like cow's milk.  So we were at the store and I picked up a little jug of strawberry milk--"look Ava, pink milk."  She held it in the store so I was holding out hope.  I warmed it up and went to get her from Q's lap.  

I said, "time for nigh nigh, Ava."

She--covered her eyes.

"let's go nigh nigh"

eyes covered.

This went on multiple times until I foiled her plan and made her realize that even though I see could not see me I COULD still see her! HA.

Warm pink milk. . .check
Woobie. . .check
Baby. . .check
Books. . .check

She still cried and I went to bed thinking, "who cares if she comes home from Kindergarten to nurse and I am still fat-n-frumpy. . ."  Hatin' it!

Tuesday. . .sad, sad morning.  I just walked around the house holding her.  I'm pretty sure she had candy for breakfast--damn that guilt.

But Tuesday at nap. . .breakthrough. . .we read her books, took a couple of tokes off the milk, and I turned her around (post reading) onto my shoulder--we rocked.  And she did not try to "assume the position" or paw at me once!  I put her in her bed with baby, woobie, and sippy and she cried pointing to the rocking chair.  In a moment of inspiration I grabbed "Gossie and Gertie."  She stopped crying and sat up in her crib.  

I left

And returned 10 minutes later to find this. . .


So fast forward a few days and we have a routine!!  She naps and goes to bed like a champ and we still get lots of snuggle time!  Love it.  Here are the "must haves."
She loves her baby, squeezes her the whole time we are reading.  And she lays her head on her "woobie" (another guilt gift--I was looking for something like this and Robyn's keen eye spotted it---sooooo soft and soooo cute--yummy pink and brown.)  And of course these 2 books--I have read them 6 times each in the last 3 days.  But I am so not complaining!

"Gossie and Gertie" was one of Asher's most favorite books when he was tiny.  He was such a dream child to 'wean.'  He LOVED to read books before naps and bed.  We stared with naps.  We would read and rock then he would point to his bed when he was ready.  Seriously. . .dreamy.  Then we moved to reading before night time and he loved it, again pointing when he was ready.  (Often times before I was ready to lay him down.)  Although, the difference was Ash had a binkie in his mouth, one or two in each hand and others scattered about his crib.  

Soon I was down to just nursing Asher in the morning.  Then after a few weeks of that Q and I went to Mexico for a week.  My parents and Q's mom and sister stayed with the boys.  We got home and there was no mention of "ta ta."  EASY BREEZY!   (getting off the binkie is a whole different story and an upcoming post.)

Here are some yummy pics of the little turkey. . .

I love his little personality--when the kiddo is grumpy there is no talking him down but when he is happy he is sooooo happy and animated.  This shot depicts his delighted face as it often is. . .excited!
Have a great day.  I'm going to take more ibuprofen and tylenol PM as I try to ward off the mastitis deamons!


Alysia Cook said...

Way to go!! You are really such a great mom!! I was way less emotional about not nursing...I admire you, not just because you are a fab mom but cause you're fun and you have a great sense of humor!!!

Here's to you!!!

Jill said...

I so relate to you. I do not, however feel as guilty pulling them off the "ta ta's" as you so aptly put it. :) Funny!

You are a great storyteller-I always look forward to reading your witty-yet touching words about your fabulous kiddos.

Robyn said...

You did great, Christa - even if your boobs were bulging out of your bra the whole weekend!

It was fun to be with you and hell, fire and damnation - what an adventure!

Melissa said...

Hope you are feeling better and everything is still going great with Miss Ava! You are an awesome mom...the Ta-ta's are gone but there are so many fabulous things ahead for you and Ava!

Norris Fam said...

Hi...this is Carrie. I linked back to your blog through Tana's blog after you left questions about my layout etc.

I have the minima stretch template on blogger and I went in and messed with my main wrapper, side wrapper numbers to get a little more space. I have no idea what all those numbers mean so just experiment a little, but PREVIEW before you save any changes.

As for the big photos, this is what I do: Open picture in photoshop and resize to 650 pixels (on the biggest side horizontal or vertical). Then I upload them into photobucket (you have to set up an account but it's fast and easy) and then copy and paste the html code into the html version of your post.

Did I confuse you? Comment back with any questions :)

Tana said...

I'm glad you didn't have to tell me the whole traumatic story you could just refer me to your blog for the full story, that's handy. I'm sorry it's so hard, I wish there was something I could do, like organize your scraproom, right now. I know that would make you feel better about the whole thing. (OK, maybe it wouldn't, but at least I would feel like I had done something.:)

Sue said...

When you're ready for the boob job, oh I mean boob RESTORATION, let me know and I'll hook you up with Dolly Parton's doc!

And Ash, he no longer looks like a toddler...he is ALL little boy now. And that is a reson to cry.

They all growing up way too fast (and my ear still hurts from talking to Aiden the other night...that kid can talk! But I love it.)